10 Awkward but Essential Conversations to Have Before Getting Married
Let’s be real: love is beautiful, weddings are magical, and forever sounds dreamy—but what about the messy, mundane, real-life stuff? Like debt. Or how you fight. Or whether you both want kids… and how you’ll parent them if you do.
These aren’t always romantic conversations—but they’re the kind that help relationships last. In premarital counseling, I often see couples surprised by how many things they’ve avoided discussing out of fear, discomfort, or simply not knowing where to start.
So here’s your starting point:
10 awkward-but-crucial conversations that every couple should have before saying “I do.”
1. How Do We Handle Money—Separately, Jointly, or Both?
Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in marriage. Talk about how you spend, save, budget, and share. Be honest about debt, financial goals, and your money mindset. Do you want joint accounts, separate, or a hybrid? There’s no one right way—but you do need to align.
2. What Does “Fighting Fair” Look Like for Us?
Conflict is inevitable. What matters is how you handle it. Talk about your conflict styles, triggers, and what helps you de-escalate. Learn what safety looks like in an argument—and what repair means after a rupture.
3. How Do We Each Feel About Kids?
Wanting children (or not) is a foundational topic. Go beyond just yes or no—talk about when, how many, how you'll parent, and what fears or hopes you have about family life. And if you’re not on the same page? That’s worth digging into before vows.
4. What Role Will Religion, Faith, or Spirituality Play in Our Life Together?
Even if you’re not religious, it’s important to explore your values, rituals, and how (or if) you’ll integrate faith into your relationship, holidays, or future parenting.
5. What Are Our Boundaries with In-Laws and Extended Family?
Family dynamics can be complex. How close is too close? How will you set boundaries with your parents or siblings when needed? Who gets a key to your home? These conversations save so much future stress.
6. What Does “Intimacy” Mean to Each of Us?
Sexual connection is vital—but intimacy is bigger than sex. Talk about affection, emotional closeness, physical needs, and how those things may evolve over time. Don’t shy away from vulnerability here.
7. Who Does What at Home?
Chores, laundry, cooking, cleaning… it's not petty—it’s practical. Resentment often builds in the small, unspoken expectations. Discuss what feels fair, what you each enjoy (or don’t), and how you’ll keep things balanced.
8. What Do We Each Need to Feel Loved and Supported?
Enter: love languages. How do you give and receive love? What makes you feel safe, seen, and supported on a hard day? This is a lifelong conversation that starts now.
9. What Are Our Dealbreakers and Non-Negotiables?
It may sound harsh, but knowing each other’s lines in the sand (around infidelity, addiction, dishonesty, etc.) creates clarity. Boundaries protect the relationship, not threaten it.
10. What’s Our Plan When Things Get Hard?
Life will bring challenges—loss, stress, career changes, family issues. What’s your strategy for staying connected during hard seasons? Would you consider couples therapy if needed? How will you ask for help?
It’s Not About Having All the Answers—It’s About Willingness
You don’t have to agree on everything. You don’t need to be perfect communicators or have your entire future mapped out. But you do need to talk.
These conversations are where intimacy deepens, trust grows, and a strong marriage foundation is built—not just in the dreamy parts, but in the messy ones too.
Ready to Dive Deeper?
If you’re engaged or seriously dating and want a safe, guided space to explore these conversations together, premarital counseling can help. I offer both one-on-one and couples sessions to support your relationship from the very beginning.