How to Create a Safe Space for Your Grieving Spouse, Guest Writer: Colleen Kuzma
In 1994 my husband, a pastor, officiated his own brothers funeral. His brother, Leroy, was 33 at the time and left behind a wife and 4 daughters. Heartbreaking. I thought how strong my husband is that he could be the rock for his family and perform this gift for his brother. When the funeral was done and everyone was outside, he collapsed in a heap, crying uncontrollably behind the podium. I was grateful to witness this extreme emotion of humanity regarding such loss and love.
In 2015 we said so many heartbreaking goodbyes. In March, we left our home church that my husband had been on staff for 29 years, so he could go to work with our Denomination. My sister in law unexpectedly passed in April leaving behind a husband and two little kids. My husband's mom passed in May due to cancer, and then we moved East in August. Within those first two years there would be a total of 8 funerals including both my husbands and 6 months later my best friend.
My husband was a wreck. He continued working but he had a very hard time processing so much loss. I didn’t work right away, which was not by choice; now looking back, it was a gift to be home and be present for my husband and son. We would take weekend drives exploring the countryside in our new state, and attend local events.
As mentioned earlier, I received word that my best friend had passed away both suddenly and unexpectedly in September 2016. Her second daughter was to be married in her home state of Hawaii in just two months.
I started asking God questions, it was all too painful to think about or process…
How can this be? This is not possible, this is not fair. What will her daughter do? How will her family navigate this? God how could you let this happen? How can her daughter not have her mama present at her wedding when it is so close?
My husband stayed with me in our bed and just held me. He would clear his schedule where he could so he could be home with me. When he had to leave he checked in and called when he was returning home. He held me often over those next few weeks. He let me set the pace, he listened. His presence and his touch were so comforting.
So how might one help a grieving spouse?
Regardless of how strong they appear, be ready to assist them
Non sexual personal touch
Be present
Listen, let the grieving spouse share their stories
Ask, how can I help you?
Check in by phone, text, email
Let the grieving spouse set the pace
Sometimes grief requires outside help ie. multiple sorrowful events, the inability to move forward in life, engaging in risky/detrimental behaviors. There is no shame in asking for help. Create an atmosphere for your spouse where they feel supported in expressing their grief and vulnerability.
Through my personal story of the multiple losses I’ve experienced I’ve learned:
God is with us in our grief
God provides
God is a light in our darkness