How to Support Your Grieving Spouse for the Long Hall, Guest Writer: Eric Nestor

When I first met Courtney I was initially drawn to her kindness and beautiful smile. As we became friends I realized that her smile didn’t come without pain.

Through social media I found out that her father had passed away because every Father’s Day, on her dad’s birthday and day of passing she would usually post something about it. I initially was saddened at the thought that someone whom I knew had lost a parent, something I know is tough for anyone to go through. When we began dating it was a topic that she wasn’t shy or hesitant to talk about however I didn’t know how to proceed when the subject came up. As time went on and we were further in our relationship I would casually ask questions about her dad. I’d ask what he was like, what his personality was like and what sport teams he liked (hoping she would say the dodgers when it came to baseball).

As we got engaged and married I would always stay quiet when she would speak about her dad because tears would ensue.  I know it was really difficult for her in the weeks and months leading up to our wedding because her dad wasn’t there to see us get married and walk her down the aisle. I simply didn’t know what to do or say in those moments so I didn’t say or do anything at all. I wanted to fix the situation but there was nothing to fix. 

I’ve learned a few things from dating, being engaged and now married to someone who has lost a father.

Here are a few:

-I’ve learned to ask questions, at the right moments. So I asked her if there was something she needed from me, which may sound silly but by asking we were both able to understand where we were each coming from.

-I explained that this was also new to me and I wasn’t sure what to do, if anything at all. My wife wanted me to listen and be there for her in moments where she remembered her father. She wanted me to hug her, cry with her, feel with her.  Like literally be physically and emotionally present in those moments, without saying anything but hugging her and listening to her remember her father.

I understand that everyone is different and others may desire something different from their spouse or partner to help grieve. Everyone grieves very differently and sometimes people on the out side can say and/or do the wrong things in an attempt to help. At times, to fill the awkwardness people say the wrong things and cause more damage than good.

If you know someone who has lost a loved one, instead of doing or saying something I’d encourage you to simply be there for them, hug them, cry with them, listen to them in that very moment when he or she is remembering their loved one. Then when the moment is right, ask appropriate questions.

A few questions that I’ve asked are:

• Though it’s painful, do you like when I ask about your dad and ask you to tell me what he was like?

• Is there something you want to do to remember your dad (especially on holidays)?

• What do you think your dad would’ve done in this situation?

I’ve learned that my wife does want to share about her father to me, her husband, though it may be difficult at times. I understand others may not want want to share as much or at all depending on the type of relationship they had with their parent. We never know how to proceed unless we ask. Asking key questions at the right moments can help those people in our lives who are grieving the loss of a parent. 

Now every year on her dad’s birthday and father’s day we do something special. We remember her father by eating good food because he loved to barbecue and getting pizookies because he loved desserts. I ask my wife to tell me stories about her father. I love being able to celebrate the life that my father in law lived through my wife. I hope this has been helpful for you. 

I have thought about my own grief journey with not having a father in law. It's difficult for me to put into words my feelings towards my own grief journey because coming into marriage I didn't have any specific expectations of my in-laws. What I can say is my grieving is done through my wife and what she feels. When we first met and I heard my wife's story of losing her father I was initially saddened on a level that I think anyone would feel who hears a story of loss. As our feelings grew for each other, we got engaged and married I was also grieving the loss of her father because I so deeply care for my wife. I never met her father and don't have a personal attachment to him but I do have an attachment and deep love for my wife so what makes her grieve makes me grieve. Of course I'm not saying I grieve to the level that my wife grieves, her and I don't grieve the same because we've had different experiences and we grieve very different in general. I grieve the loss of my wife's father because I see the pain that it has caused and still causes her. I grieve because the stories I hear my wife share about her dad makes me think about how great it would've been to meet him and have him be a part of our lives as a married couple. Things that my wife says her dad "loved" like sports, good food and coffee we do in remembrance of him which is how I also grieve along with my wife. I never thought grief could be "transferred" but I've experienced this for the first time. I love my wife dearly, therefore I grieve when she grieves.  

EN